


lies

by orphan_account



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Crying, Dissociation, Emotional Dissociation, One Shot, Rain, its not explicit but light has dpdr because im projecting ayy, kind of? its implied anyways, ugly crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23195503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Tell me, Light, from the moment you were born, has there actually been a point where you told the truth?"And then something snaps.
Relationships: L & Yagami Light
Comments: 5
Kudos: 72





	lies

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh projecting is fun and remember kids its not a vent fic if youre dissociating and feel nothing

Something snaps in Light's chest, in his brain, in his whole being. One simple question - _tell me, Light, from the moment you were born, has there actually been a point where you told the truth?_

Everything goes quiet to a nearly painful degree. His heart bursts and thuds against his ribcage and he blinks.

 _Has_ he ever told the truth? Looking back on it is all lie after lie after lie and where had it gotten him? Everything is a lie. He isn't happy, he isn't excited or aching with anticipation for his oncoming success. He just feels empty and he thinks that isn't right.

He should feel something, but he really hasn't properly felt _anything_ since he picked up the Death Note. It's all acting - a lie. 

He's lying, even to himself, thinking that this is what he wants. He should be elated at this dejected, broken man in front of him, the one who's about to finally, finally die. He thought he was. But he isn't.

Another blink squeezes warm drops from his eyes.

Fuck, why is he crying?

"Light?" L asks and the sound of the rain comes rushing back. It thuds and hammers and hits against everything and it's all Light can do to stop himself from falling forward and clutching at his crying eyes. There's so many tears. This is embarrassing. He's pathetic. Why is he crying.

"Light?" L repeats. He's stepped closer and reaches out a hand, but it wavers in the space between them, unsure and awkward.

"No," Light says eventually.

"No?"

"No. I've - Everything's a lie. It's all always been a lie and I-" he chokes on his words and lets out a sob. 

He doesn't know who had moved to allow for his face to be testing firmly at the intersection of L's shoulder and his neck. The position is uncertain and flimsy and uncomfortable, but Light leans into it. He wraps his arms around L and squeezes and L hesitantly wraps his arms around Light as well.

"I'm sorry," he says through strained breaths. "I'm _so fucking sorry_."

There's a hand in Light's hair and it's comforting but also overwhelming. Everything is so overwhelming. He feels as if a floodgate has been smashed down and now all his emotions can run rampant and free, although Pandora's Box might be a more apt comparison as all he feels are the horrible things. Despair, guilt, dread, shame - it all mixes together into a whirlwind of ugly ferocity.

"I forgive you," L says without even knowing what Light is apologizing for and this only makes it worse. Light only cries more and it's the ugliest cry he's ever had - snot and drool and tears all mix with rain in a cocktail of misery and regret.

"You shouldn't," he says around the lump in his throat and the tears in his eyes and the build up in his nose making it nearly impossible to breath.

"I forgive you," L repeats and Light sobs into his shoulder.

Maybe Light's legs give out, maybe it's from the sheer weight of everything he's feeling, but he and L end up on the ground, Light clinging to L as if that will somehow fix everything. As if ruining L's shirt and laying bare his emotions until he's raw and bleeding, metaphorically or physically, will save the detective, will set it all back to some time when everything was okay, but Light doesn't know if such a time truly exists.

They sit in the hammering of the rain and Light's sobs eventually turn into silent, violent shuddering. He can do nothing but marinate in his embarrassment at his breakdown, in his profound dread for what's to come, in his guilt and shame for what he's done, in his despaired wistfulness for what could have been.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, voice weak and raw. His throat is sore, his head pounds with pain, everything hurts and he can feel the heaviness of his heart in his chest like a million tons of bricks suffocating him, cracking his ribs and leaving him to die slowly under the weight. He thinks that if a strangely physical metaphorical weight could kill, it should just get it over with.

"I forgive you," L says, his voice soft and low and it just makes Light want to die that much more.

He thinks he's going to start crying again, but he doesn't. He doesn't think he'll ever be able to cry again. He's all dried out.

Light shifts so his forehead is resting against L's chest and he lets out a sad, weak laugh. "You shouldn't. You really shouldn't."

"And why shouldn't I?"

L's hands are threading through his hair and he wishes he would stop because it only makes this that much more painful.

"Because I'm a monster," Light replies, he tightens his grip on L's shirt. "I'm horrible, you shouldn't-" he stops and closes his eyes. "Because I don't deserve it. Because I've earned a horrible fate and dragged you into it. Because I'm Kira."

There's silence.

"I know," L says gently.

Light's eyes widen. "You-?"

"I could tell the moment you touched the Death Note. And just like then, I can tell you're different now."

"Different?"

"Yes. Different, from even an hour ago. I could see the change in your face - in your eyes. I can see the regret and the emotion you lost when you touched the Death Note. That emotion you had when you were innocent, but not before."

Light's breath turns ragged and strained. He pulls L into him and shakes and shakes and shakes.

"You're not the same, Light and it is I who should be apologizing to you - for all the grief I put you through when you truly knew nothing."

Light scowls into L's chest. "Don't apologize to me. I deserve it all and worse. What does it matter if I'm different from how I was? I'm still a murderer - a _monster_."

"You may be a murderer, and you will be punished accordingly, but you're no monster. No one should have the power of the Death Note - it would go to anyone's head and the dichotomy between you with it and you without it and you feeling remorse is so stark, it's obvious that it's that notebook that's evil, not you."

Light shudders and shakes and denies what L is saying. He doesn't deserve sympathy, he's evil, just kill him now, just push him off the side of the building.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out yet again.

"I forgive you," L says.

"Don't-"

"I do."

"You shouldn't-"

L's phone rings.

He slowly rises to his feet and gently pulls Light with him. "Come on," he murmurs. "We should get inside."

Light numbly follows him.


End file.
